Thursday, August 25, 2011

The What Ifs

Yep the what ifs. You know those things that people are afraid to talk about, because if you don't talk about it then it "doesn't happen".

These are the things constantly going thru my mind lately.
What if I have to have an emergency c-section
What if I don't make it to the hospital in time
What if there are serious complications during my pregnancy or something is wrong with Ethan
What if....

And lately its gotten worse, because I'm not just having the pregnancy and delivery what ifs, I'm having the newborn what ifs
What if breast feeding doesn't work out
What if I drop him ( my biggest fear... ever)
What if he stops breathing ( ok maybe this is my biggest fear ever)
What if..... :(

People seem to think that because I'm a nurse that I wouldn't have many of these fears, but I feel like its the exact opposite. I am a nurse, so I have seen what happens in these situations, and I know what the possible outcomes are. Most of the time they're outcomes I wish I didn't know. I won't lie, it scares the you know what out of me.

Yes I'm cpr certified, and I know what to do in a general emergency like choking, but that doesn't mean all the other people in Ethans life do.  Tim has to be CPR/First aid certified because of his job which is a relief. I even asked my mom today if she would mind getting certified because I had to finally tell her that I was silently freaking out.  Luckily she was totally understanding and said she didn't mind getting certified at all.  Yes it won't fix all my fears, but its definitely a start knowing that the people who will be involved in Ethans every day care will be alittle bit more prepared. 

I'm sure later my what ifs will involve SIDS and babyproofing, and who knows what else, but knowing how understanding and supportive my family is to my craziness means the world, so I'm sure they will understand because after all we all want whats best for Ethan.

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